Always Changing, Always Challenging

Taking care of Alexis has been very hard lately. She has been having fits worse than her two year old sister. It doesn't help that she is 110 pounds and dead weight when she goes to the floor.

I have been struggling lately to connect with her.It seems as though she has lost her hearing. I did take her into the doctor's and she has two ear infections right now. Before that, however, I was already feeling unheard. She has had selective hearing for awhile now but this has gone over and above that. I will stand right in front of her and yell at the top of my lungs (because it is the third or fourth time trying to get a response)and she will just stare at me.

Maybe I wouldn't be so upset if she had always done this but she hasn't. Once upon a time I was able to have a conversation with her or was able to redirect her. For now those days are over. 

I pray every day that I will be able to reconnect with my daughter, that I will be able to parent with more Christ-like abilities, and that we will have peace in our home.

It was a lot easier to have just Alexis and to focus on just Alexis. I would not change having more children for anything. I get to know what it is like to have "normal" kids and to watch them discover life in ways Alexis never would have. Alexis also gets to have the opportunity to learn and grow as a person. Even though she is special needs, she still needs to be stretched as a person. Someone who learns how to be kind, loving and someone who will learn how to share.

In our faith we believe in a second ressurection when Christ comes to the Earth again and at that time we will all have perfect bodies. I think about that a lot. Will Alexis know who I am? Will I know who she is or recognize her? Will she be grateful for the struggles I had? Will she thank me for always pushing her in her challenged state? Will she be disapointed that I was angry with her sometimes? Would she have wanted me to do more?


It is beyond me now. I hope that all of this is good for something. I hope Alexis grows up a little bit more. I hope we survive the teenage years. I hope she knows that I love her.

I Will Share

A while ago I spent the whole month teaching the  lesson, "I Will Share" from the manual

"Behold Your Little Ones". It worked for a little while but has gotten worse since then. 

Alexis will take a toy from her younger siblings and tell them, "I will share." Of course her sharing is one sided. Today was really bad. Alexis did not want her sister to have any toys. I can only take screaming for so long from anyone.

I know that they love each other and have good times. It just feels that lately that is far and in between. 

 

I got a note from school saying that Alexis' behaviors were a yellow for the day because she was eating her classmates' food. I don't know what to tell her teachers because I struggle with that one too. Apparently it is more one sided "I will share."

Venting

Sometimes I wish Alexis did not have sensory issues. 

Yesterday was a very hot day, well into the 90's. Our house does not have central air and the only way to be comfortable is to have our window units running. Alexis hates fans. Her room is the hottest so that is where we put the unit. She would not go to sleep. Always standing in her doorway saying that she had to go to the bathroom or that her back hurt or I want it off. She is not a quiet person. She has two volumes, loud and louder. After awhile it grates on me. So at midnight I finally turned it off. It was a hot night. Today was not any better. 

I moved Alexis' bed across the room so she would not be near the window unit. I put her to bed at 8:30pm and her protests began before she even went into her room. I don't know why but today it really tested me and made me angry. I really hate that Alexis is so sensory sensitive. Sometimes I don't realize how much we do to accommodate her until something like this happens.

She shares a room with her sister. I just want both of them to sleep well. Anyways, I was so frustrated I had to leave the house and walk. I wasn't that far from my house when I heard my neighbor yelling at her kids to go to bed. It was a comfort to me to know that I am not the only one with struggles. 

I don't know if being Alexis' mom is hard because it's all I know. I am sure I would have other battles if she weren't special needs.

 

AHHHHHHH!!!!!

I screamed at Alexis today. I am just so frustrated with her. She is compelled to eat. I used to be able to keep her eating under control by having the fridge locked and then I gated off the kitchen. Because our family is too big to fit around the kitchen table, we have moved to the dinning room table. I have a 23 month old who doesn't eat enough so I set her plate out on the dinning room table to let her eat when she feels like it. However, Alexis zones in on it and eats the food before her sister can finish her meal. Ugh!!! If Alexis had it her way she would eat and eat and eat. I just don't want her to be so over weight she is unable to do anything. She already believes she is limited in some ways.

I don't know how to stop her...

Struggling

I don't know what has happened but Alexis seems to not want to follow directions. This is something we have struggled with since the beginning of last school year. It has just really tried my patience this summer. I don't know if is her acting like a normal child her age, hormones, or she is just being difficult.

She also only seems to respond to one volume which is my loudest volume. I have been working a lot on parenting like Christ would. I don't feel like I can accomplish that when I am yelling. Ugh. I hope she knows how much I really do love her.