Always Changing, Always Challenging

Taking care of Alexis has been very hard lately. She has been having fits worse than her two year old sister. It doesn't help that she is 110 pounds and dead weight when she goes to the floor.

I have been struggling lately to connect with her.It seems as though she has lost her hearing. I did take her into the doctor's and she has two ear infections right now. Before that, however, I was already feeling unheard. She has had selective hearing for awhile now but this has gone over and above that. I will stand right in front of her and yell at the top of my lungs (because it is the third or fourth time trying to get a response)and she will just stare at me.

Maybe I wouldn't be so upset if she had always done this but she hasn't. Once upon a time I was able to have a conversation with her or was able to redirect her. For now those days are over. 

I pray every day that I will be able to reconnect with my daughter, that I will be able to parent with more Christ-like abilities, and that we will have peace in our home.

It was a lot easier to have just Alexis and to focus on just Alexis. I would not change having more children for anything. I get to know what it is like to have "normal" kids and to watch them discover life in ways Alexis never would have. Alexis also gets to have the opportunity to learn and grow as a person. Even though she is special needs, she still needs to be stretched as a person. Someone who learns how to be kind, loving and someone who will learn how to share.

In our faith we believe in a second ressurection when Christ comes to the Earth again and at that time we will all have perfect bodies. I think about that a lot. Will Alexis know who I am? Will I know who she is or recognize her? Will she be grateful for the struggles I had? Will she thank me for always pushing her in her challenged state? Will she be disapointed that I was angry with her sometimes? Would she have wanted me to do more?


It is beyond me now. I hope that all of this is good for something. I hope Alexis grows up a little bit more. I hope we survive the teenage years. I hope she knows that I love her.